Some Sort of Meaning

Could it be true..........

2009-03-14T11:41:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been quite some time since I'm updated my blog. I still plan on hitting on some of the topics I promised to cover. But for now, I'll give you a recap of what has happened in the past few weeks. It has been quite hectic, with some very good points and some not so good points.

The field problem I ended off with was, of course, retarded. We wasted a whole lot of time, information was withheld until the last minute and things could have been done in a way that would have made everyone's time much more productive. I pushed the line a few times with disrespect towards LT. Wonder Woman. I know that lots of what she puts out isn't coming from her, but I couldn't completely reigning in my sarcastic tongue the whole time. She told me that I had an "amazing" attitude at one point, so at least I know she can throw the sarcasm right back at me. I felt a little proud of her at that time.

So, the commanding general of 20th Support Command wants to come out to the field and see our training. Of course, me being the Super Golden Boy of 83rd Chemical Battalion, it falls on me to the impress some clueless field grade officer. Yippee. Just what I want to do when I would rather be training my troops. The general arrives and even before I say a word to him, he gives me one of his coins because all the officers in my battalion have been talking me up. I laugh on the inside. It's all so ridiculous.

I bullshit the general for a while, barely talking to him like he's a superior. Than he talks to one of my soldiers, who I strategically placed to do so because this guy can also bullshit like a pro. After a little bit, we finish with the general and he leaves. I overhear him telling the commander that the training looks really good and that we are doing great things. I inwardly curse myself. This only encourages the retards at the top to continue being idiots. I need to stop making these assholes look good.

At the end of the week, we do our BIDS Stakes competition. Because everything in our unit needs to be a competition. Anyways, my team obviously wins... because I'm TSF. I don't really care about the win, but it was pretty impressive considering one member of my team was broke and another was a new private. So suck my balls two times, old 7th chem. At the end of the day formation, we are called out in front of the formation, given a hideous trophy and coins from the general. Yeah, bitches. Two one-star general coins in a week. Imagine what I could do if I actually cared and had pride in my unit???

Ok, so that's that. I won't go into the bullshit about doing recovery and such. Basically, by now you know that things at my unit are done the wrong way, rushed, unorganized and stupidly. I won't always elaborate because I don't like to be redundant and tedious.

Previously, I had been meeting girls on the internet and it hadn't been working out. Around this time, I had basically given up after a particularly ridiculous situation with a Filipina girl. My eHarmony account was still active at this point. I had gotten a package deal around christmas for 3 months. I really hadn't been checking it all that much, I had lost faith and most of the women I was being matched with just weren't doing it for me. The only time I looked at profiles was when a match would request communication with me. So one night I'm at the TSF House and checking my email. I get an email that says "Your new match, Sabrina, requests communication" or something like that. I roll my eyes, thinking its another dud but I check anyways. I open her profile and am totally floored. This girl is gorgeous. I browse through her profile and she seems very interesting. Then I get to the end and her last entry in her profile is that she has 6 tattoos and wants more. I freak out and yell "SHE HAS TATTOOS!" really loud. I think I kinda scared Rojo.

Anyways, I went through the guided communication very fast with this girl, the whole time becoming more and more interested. We sent each other a few emails and things were still great. She gave me her phone number and we began texting. It was fun, easy and flirtatious. Finally, me being a dork, I suggest that we have a phone date. We set it up for a Friday night. The whole day I'm distracted and unfocused. I have a new soldier who is dirty and a can't get right. So myself and SSG Dizzle make this guy take all the stuff out of his room, clean, put it back and give him a good dressing down. This is on Friday and I'm really pissed that he's potentially messing up my phone date.

Fortunately, everything works. I go home, get out of uniform and give Sabrina a call. We instantly click. We talk on the phone for 7 hours. I didn't even realize we talked that long, it was just so easy talking to her. During the conversation, we agree to meet that next weekend.

This makes for the longest week ever. But, I have talked to Sabrina on the phone every night since that first telephone call. I always have something to look forward to. Everything is going fine until my unit decides to tell me on Thursday evening that I'm going to a month long school. I freak because this is gonna mess with my weekend with Sabrina.

I give Sabrina a call and she handles the news great. She's awesome. I guess it's good that the Army started fucking me with this early in our relationship. She is already prepared for the some of the stuff I will go through while I'm still in the service. Well, we work out a way that I can still see her. Her optimism is gonna wear off on me one of these days.

I work out all the details for this month long fighting school I'm going to that Friday and head out to Houston (where Sabrina lives) that day. I am so excited during the drive that I can hardly stand it. I arrive at the Starbucks Sabrina manages that night in my uniform. As soon as I see her, a huge smile appears on my face. She runs into my arms and I pick her up and give her a huge hug. It all felt so right.

So for friday night and Saturday, Sabrina and I just hung out and got to know each other better. There was no awkwardness or anything. It all felt very natural and right. I won't go into all the details, I have to keep some things to myself. We'll just say that I had an incredible time. This girl is truly great.

I'm skipping lots of details but deal with it.

Now Carroll and I are in Fort Benning doing this month long combatives school. Sabrina is on my mind constantly and I can't wait to see her again. I don't want to jinx anything but I feel really good about this one.

I guess that's about it for now. I'll put up some updates on the school later.

Trenches, out.

stupid dog

2009-02-18T19:12:00.000-08:00

BK pissed on my bed again...for no reason. After a long walk, he decides to save a little piss for my comforter. So i'm sitting on my bare bed waiting for sheets to be done in the laundry. Retard goofball dog. I love him, but I don't know how he retains so much urine. AARGH!

Going to the field this week...

2009-02-08T19:48:00.000-08:00

My company head out to the field next week so I won't be posting anything for a few days, but I wanted to give you a preview of things I will be talking about in the future.

1. A diatribe against the worthless, fat, lazy piece of shit known as SSG Recruiter.

2. Probably more rants about my shitty leadership, in particularly LT Wonder Woman and CPT Oompa Loompa

3. A review of the field problem and what went on without the rants. I'm meeting General Snow of 20th Support Command

4. TSF tattoo updates

5. A piece on Valentine's Day... you probably know what the tone of that will be.. but you never know

6. An incorporation of more pictures and visual aids to the blog. Most people don't have my towering intellect so I'll cater to the lowest common denominator and aid some pretty pictures for those that need it.

7. A generous helping of TSF arrogance and badassitude

8. Part 2 of the difference between me and Iceman (Op2)

9. Some fictional short stories if I get the proper inspiration

I think that's it for now. Been a pretty good weekend. No bad phone calls so no one fucked up. Can't wait for the 4-day next weekend. Sleeping in is one of the few things I look forward to.

TSF Op1-Trenches, out

Ways I've thought of to try to get out of my shit unit....

2009-02-07T21:18:00.001-08:00

1. Have Op2 talk me up to his unit and get me an intrapost transfer to 509th... where I would be willing to do any job.

2. Get myself transferred to HHD to do a staff job. I thought SSG Brown asked me if I wanted to work in S1 and I almost needed to put on fresh underwear... she wasn't though.

3. Find out about a new unit being created on post and get myself transferred to it

4. Walk around post, going into every orderly room and headquarters I can find, talking to first sergeants/commanders/sergeant majors, etc. and trying to "sell' myself.

5. Receive a severe enough injury to not fuck up my life, but still warrants me going to the warrior transition battalion

6. Re-upping for the shortest period of time possible and forcing them to send me to 509th (adding time to my service is very undesirable though)

7. Asking CSM Moten to send me to jump school and getting me away from 7th

8. Meeting General Snow, force him to see my TSF awesomeness, and convincing him to get me the fuck away from 7th

9. Same for CSM Womack

10. Same for any Brigade level and up senior leadership

11. Becoming a huge fuck up and getting sent to work at the gym on post

The idea is to get out of the unit, but not extend my time in service. Which is pretty much impossible in my situation. I just want to see the look on the faces of my leadership if I could get out. Especially if somehow got into 509th or a staff job, they would know I'm obviously not doing it for my career and just want to get away from them. I want to see them cry. I want to see the realization in their faces when they figure out that one of their best soldiers despises them and has zero loyalty towards them. I want to see them grovel and try to convice me to stay. I want to laugh in their faces.

This unit better not promote me to Staff Sergeant. If they do, someone should start a pool on how fast I would lost that rank. Because than I would say what I think, knowing that if I got an article 15 and lost rank, I would still be an NCO. Holding my tongue is getting very exhausting.

I really hope that General Snow doesn't ask me what I think about the Army, the unit or my job this coming week. I may not be able to fake it anymore.

That's it for now. I like doing my blogs in a list form. It's my German blood, I guess.

TSF Op1-Trenches, ou.....

Wait a second.

FUCK YOU, OFFICERS. You are not smarter or better than me. In fact, the opposite. I went to a better, harder, more challenging school than you. I got better grades than you. I ran company sized organizations in school. You didn't and get all the schools you want, a house, way too much pay and undeserved respect. I refuse to acknowledge you as superiors until you prove you are not a fucking idiot. I don't give a fuck about Army regs... I will only salute you if I think it's deserved. Otherwise, I'll going on pretending that my phone is extremely interesting.

So fuck you again Officers for looking at my rank and making an instant opinion about my capabilities and intelligence. I could learn your job in a fraction of the time it would take you to learn mine... and I would execute it better.

In garrison, I'll hold my tongue. But when/if I deploy and you're my officer, don't fuck it up. I'll say and do anything it takes to not have to deal with your bullshit. You better be like Lt. Fick. If I have to deal with any Encino Man's and/or Captain Americas, I'm gonna make your world hurt.

Phew.

Had to get that out.

TSF Op1-Trenches, out

Trying to write this while BK bites my hands....

2009-02-06T20:02:00.000-08:00

So today I finished up my HazMat course. It was very sad. Two weeks away from the unit went way too fast. It was nice to feel like an adult human again. Just going to school, doing what I needed to do and not be talked to like a bitch by anybody. I guess all good things must come to an end, eh?

Anyways, of course the final test was easy. No problem for Op1. After listening to dumb NCOs stress about stupid easy questions for a while, I tired of acting like i cared and just read my book while waiting ot go back inside to get our results. Besides Jackson (who failed out on Tuesday), I barely talked to or even acknowledged most of the people in the class. I guess it would be acceptable if I was being shy...but honestly, I'm just better and smarter than them and didn't really feel like faking interest in anything they had to say. I'll probably blog this weekend about a couple of the retards that were in the class. They deserve their own entries.

So we get the tests back. 100 percent for Trenches. Of course. The instructor uses my test as a key to go over it with everyone else. I sit in the front and doze. Finally, we're done with everything and the instructor wraps everything up. Some loser asks who had the best average, because shit like that matters. Haha, it's not like there is a Dean's List or anything. Most everything in the Army is pass/fail. Everyone in the class expects it to be a Staff Sergeant who was pretty vocal in class, is intelligent, has accomplished a lot and is a pretty funny guy. Whatever. He's not TSF. So the instructor proceeds to tell the class that this SSG got 100s on the past 3 tests. But he didn't have the top score in the class. Instructor turns and says "SGT Erb had the highest average in the class." The only acknowledgement I make of such a worthless honor is to nod my head once and say in a dismissive tone, "Yep."

I sit in the front of the class but I guarantee everyone looked at me with a "who the fuck is this guy?" look. Honestly, for the past two weeks I slept during lectures, didn't ask any questions, barely acknowledged anyone's presence in the class, was a dismissive and a dick to anyone who asked me for help (it's tough to be helpful when shit is so obviously easy), barely did the homework/practical exercise and also slept during every break. No one even knew what my voice sounded like. At my college, if I did this, I would be at the bottom of the class struggling to pass. Here, I finish at the top.

It doesn't even feel good. It's just sad and depressing how many stupid people there are... and that many of them are leaders in the Army. I feel bad for incoming soldiers because most likely they'll have a semi-retarded idiot as their direct leadership.

Stay tuned for vicious rants about zoomies, fat fuck Staff Sergeants, moron civilians and pussy First Sergeants.

TSF Op1-Trenches, out

What females have done for me in the recent past...

2009-02-02T00:05:00.001-08:00

1. Hamsters... two of them

2. Made me the victim of theft

3. Higher cell phone charges from text messages

4. Improved typing skills from online chatting

5. False hope

6. Unnecessary mileage on my car

7. Re-discovery of my mopey emo music from my college days

8. Further support for my burgeoning misogyny

9. Solidified my position as a through and true misanthrope

10. A waste of 30 dollars on an eHarmony account

11. Shattered self-esteem

12. The beginnings of a homicidal rage reflex when I hear the phrase "just friends"

13. Contradicting advice from various people... that never ever fucking works

14. An emotional disposition that compelled the soldiers in my platoon to come to the conclusion that I was the one person in the platoon that should NOT be allowed to own firearms

15. An epiphany that it's most likely that strippers and hookers are the most honest and genuine females on this planet.

16. A realization that I'm unable to create flowerly, sweet, sensitive, romantic pieces of writing... but I am quite skilled at sarcastic, cynical, bitter, angry, self-deprecating, irreverent, self-pitying, self-loathing, hate-inspired diatribes.

17. Absolutely nothing I want or desire.

Yes... I am lashing out. Deal with it.

What the Army has done for me Part 2...

2009-02-01T23:56:00.000-08:00

1. Fatigue

2. An increased chance of stress-related medical conditions

3. A dependence on NetFlix to keep me marginally happy

4. Forced me to watch everyone around me progress in life, while I go nowhere

5. An increased insensitivity towards other

6. More reason to believe in the negative stereotypes of certain racial and ethnic groups

7. A propensity to staying up late... to prolong the conscious hours I'm NOT working

8. Nothing that I want or desire

A very merry TSF weekend...

2009-02-01T20:00:00.000-08:00

Well, after a pretty good super bowl weekend, I've come to some conclusions. I'll give a little recap of what went on first.

Saturday I helped Op2 move into his new room with some dumb 11 chuck. Of course, he's still always welcome at the TSF House and I suspect he'll make frequent appearances. It was great having him stay at the house, but considering he doesn't have a car and our schedules are different, this will make things a little easier. After that we just chilled until Rojo came back. Then we proceeded to mess ourselves up with whiskey sours and religion wars. It was totally what I needed.

Today was a good day. After recovering in the morning by taking tylenol and drinking coffee, Op2 and I headed to my soldier's house for the super bowl. He's a great guy and I can't wait until he makes Sergeant. Right now, I treat him like my ATL... he's kinda like the Poke to my Iceman. haha. Anyways, i had a great time joking with the guys, playing with Pay Pay's dogs and wrestling with the kids.

So.. all in all it was what I would call a "cleansing" weekend. I've decided that I'm done. Done trying at all when it comes to my personal life. The only results I have gotten are negative and I'm sick of it. I have a job that stresses me out and keeps me too busy to be worrying about all this other crap. I want to re-focus. I want to re-establish my bonds with my good friends who aren't here in Louisiana. I want to begin studying Spanish and American Sign Language. I want to engage in productive activities that will contribute to my physical and emotional health. Now, if someone comes along and it works. I'm completely open to it. I'm not taking myself out of the game. I'm just gonna sit in the background and stop trying so hard. It just all hurts too much.

Now I hope I can live up to these words. History has shown that I tend to stray towards masochism. And I'll admit that sometimes I voluntarily engage in activities that I know will cause me emotional pain. Don't worry, I'm not a cutter or anything like that. So I will continue to pray and search for guidance from the Lord. Other than that, I'll continue doing my job and being awesome. I am TSF, after all.

TSF Op1- Trenches, out.

Wise words from TSF JAG...

2009-02-01T09:44:00.000-08:00

Don't focus on the problem, focus on the solution.

Search for happiness in the moment.

Ignore other people.

If you have enough passion about an idea you can really make people believe.

TSF JAG rocks. He's only 24 and he will have his J.D. soon, he's well on his way to gathering the funds necessary to start his own company, he's married to a great girl and he's not an asshole. Pretty amazing. I should listen to him more often.

why...

2009-01-31T14:05:00.001-08:00

Why does it always have to be the guy that does all the right things, makes the perfect impression, says everything that is expected??? Why can't we be allowed to have flaws, make mistakes and be fucking imperfect when it comes to relationships. It's pretty fucking easy for girls to sit back and criticize guys and how we go about pursuing relationships. You just sit there and let everything happen to you. So don't complain to me about always meeting jerks and never being with a nice guy. If you're not fricking proactive, don't say shit to me.

I'm forced to feel like every failed attempt with a girl is my fault. You twist words and feelings to make me feel bad. I'm not saying I don't mess up. I mess up all the time. But don't make me feel shitty when I'm just trying to do the right thing. When I'm trying to be a gentleman, a nice guy, when i'm trying to be myself.

I'll take my credit when and where it is due. But I want the other half to start stepping up and taking some fucking responsibility. Last I checked, this was America.

Out.

Hot Water Sky

2009-01-30T19:39:00.000-08:00

Lying on his back, watching the starry sky. Letting the darkness envelop him, he closes his eyes and attempts to dream. The feeling of falling begins to overwhelm, washing over him in waves. All at once he feels serenity and anxiety. He resists the urge to open his eyes and return to reality. His attempts at escaping the harshness of reality constantly fail, but he never stops trying. He doesn't know what else to do. He begins to feel a flush of warmth start at his toes and work it's way up his body. Open your eyes, his mind screams! He knows he can't hold the illusion, he never has before. It never lasts! His psyche attacks every nerve of his body, attempting to force him back into the cold, miserable night. He struggles against himself, a hopeless battle that can only end in defeat. The warmth continues to spread, a confusion of agony and joy intermingling in his mind. His body begins to tremor and twitch. The intensity of his feelings grow, roaring in his brain. Hold on, he pleads. Just this once. And then... nothing.

He opens his eyes with a gasp. His uniform is drenched in a cold sweat. A familiar feeling. He slowly rises with a groan. He comes to his feet and gives himself a once over, making sure everything shows the facade of normalcy. Approving of his appearance and dusting himself off, he strides away from that familiar spot. He doesn't even give a second glance at that now unspectacular sky. He sighs. He knows it will happen again. With a barely perceptible shake of his head, he places the memory with all the rest. He never forgets but fails to learn.

In the end, it's his own damn fault.

Soldiers are not smart...

2009-01-30T16:27:00.000-08:00

So I just finished my first week of Hazmat Transportation school. Possibly the easiest thing I have done in a very long time. It requires reading, basic math skills and the ability to turn pages of a book. I aced both of my tests easily. We were given two hours for each test. I usually finished in around 20 or 30 minutes. What a joke.

What's hilarious is that many of the soldiers in this class are struggling with the material. All you have to do is simple referencing. You look something up, read what it says and do what the reading material tells you. Too easy. All I can do is shake my head and laugh at some of these people. Many of them are NCOs. How are they able to train and lead soldiers when they are close to being brain dead???

It's times like these when I know there is no way I'm staying in the military. I'm often accused of being a cocky... but honestly, I'm way to fucking smart for this place. My vocabulary has suffered because I'm forced to dumb down my language to communicate with 99 percent of my co-workers. It's frustrating to say the least.

All I'm doing is counting down the days. My only goal in the Army right now is to not die. I remember when I used to have passion and ambition. I can't wait until I get that back.

In other news, I seem to have blown another opportunity at a personal relationship. Maybe I'm being too stubborn, but I refuse to compete with another guy for a woman's affection. It's all just too much drama and bullshit for me to be able to handle. For now I'll be content playing with my housemate's dog, playing religion wars with Op2, expanding the influence of TSF and generally being awesome.

I'm also looking forward to going to my best friend Kelly's wedding. I'm glad to see her happy and that she found someone that she wants to spend the rest of her life with. I often pray for my friends and family and makes me ecstatic to see them succeed. I admit that the wedding will be awkward for me because there will be many people there that I used to be friends with. I have grown and changed a ton since I have joined the Army. Many of them probably won't like me. I really don't have much tolerance for nostalgia and all that bullshit... and I hate talking about my job. Butter will probably understand though... as long as he is prepared for Navy jokes. But it's all in good fun.

That's it for now. Looking forward to a fun and relaxing weekend at the TSF house.

TSF Op1-Trenches, out.

Nonfiction: Perhaps I can explain...

2009-01-29T21:28:00.000-08:00

Frankly I don't know what I'm doing. I've been trying really hard not to complain and look at the bright side of things. But it's getting tougher and tougher. I work hard at my job but am completely unsatisfied and honestly, it makes me miserable. Many people in the company talk shit about me because I did not deploy with them even though they don't know me and are not aware of the circumstances. I have zero loyalty to the company and wish everyday that I could join Op2 at his new unit. I guess the silver lining is that I have some really good co-workers that look out for me and will always be there for me... but they are few and far between.

But that's not really the core of my frustration and anger. It's my personal life. I have no freaking clue how to fix my situation. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm desperately looking for a relationship. A REAL relationship. Sometimes I feel so lonely and without hope that I feel like giving up and just accepting lifelong bachelorhood.

Some of you know about the Alexandria boodra I tried dating. I thought I did the right things, maybe besides being a little too serious and intimidating... but what can I say? I can't/won't do casual. I was rewarded with two smelly hamsters and the theft of my cherished Star Wars movies. I fall into a dark, emotional pit... she sees a string of douchebag mooks and has the audacity to call me an asshole and make gay jokes about me and Op2.

After a hiatus from attempting to meet people, I decided to get back on the horse. I used the internet since it's near impossible to meet people around Fort Polk. I join eHarmony. Yes, I was so desperate I paid to meet people online. I discover that most people on eHarmony are fat and/or ugly chicks. I'm not extremely shallow, but physical attraction is vital to a successful relationship. However, I feel my luck changes when I get matched with a pretty college student who goes to school in Shreveport. We go through the process and she gives me her number. I'm feeling pretty good. She says that she feels a connection to me. Yay! Wait. Silence for two weeks. Nothing. I didn't do or say anything bad at all. I brush it off.

I begin talking to another girl who is from Georgia. She's a cute, ranga college student. I initially began talking to her in the hopes of lining up a booty call for when I go to Fort Benning for Level 3 Combatives training. I know, not the most noble of reasons. Anyways, we actually hit off. I get her number and we have some incredible, super long telephone conversations. I feel comfortable with her so I tell her something personal about myself that I usually don't tell anyone. Lo and behold she is silent. I wait on her to respond. When she does all she says, "It was nice getting to know you... too bad you suck." Thanks for being so mature.

Then I begin talking to a girl from Baton Rouge. She's 2 years older than me, mature, gorgeous and very interesting. Unlike any other girl I have ever talked to. It may just be my desperation or whatever, but I get a feeling that she could be special. Then I come back to Fort Polk from leave and fall into a severe depression because my job is trying to kill me. I don't talk to her or anyone else for a week, two weeks. I didn't want to because I was in such a horrible mood and disposition that I really didn't want to expose anyone to that. Anyways, she re-establishes contact and I embrace it. I realize what I was missing out on and try to get back on track. I feel like I really click with her. Only to realize that in my absence she began talking to another guy. I can't really blame her and she is not the one at fault in this situation.

The last "event" hasn't exactly been resolved yet but I think whatever I do will be too little, too late. She has already seen the other guy... twice. And from what I can gather, it went well. It's nearing six years now that I have had anything resembling a relationship. There's no way I can compete with another guy. I'm clumsy, say the wrong things, don't know how to handle myself and frankly forgot how to play the game. I'm bluntly honest and don't really care what other people think of me. I'm proud of this fact but it probably doesn't bode well for me in a battle for a woman's heart. If I was willing to bring my TSF assholeness into my personal life, it would probably be good if I just wanted non-commital, unemotional physical encounters. But I refuse to do that.

So I feel like I'm constantly losing the battle before I have even had a chance to take a swing. I just don't know what to do anymore. I pray for guidance and direction but I'm failing to interpret where God is taking me. I'm forever faithful to my Lord and Jesus Christ but I'm very frustrated because I can't find my place in their plan.

I'm not looking for charity or pity. I'm writing this out with the hope that I can gain some insight into how I'm failing. I'm feeling like my peers are all leaving me behind as now my very best friend in the whole world is getting married in March. I think part of me always hoped/thought/believed that neither of us would find anyone and that we would marry each other when we were in our late 30s or something. I'm thrilled for her and if I don't get my leave approved to go to her wedding, I'll probably go AWOL. But I would be lying if I didn't have some regrets in regards to her.

I suppose that is it. In spite of everything I am truly thankful to have such friends in my life like Iceman, Rojo, Kelly and Mark. I don't know what I would do without them.

TSF Op1- Trenches, out.

my favorite. song... story of my life

2009-01-29T21:13:00.000-08:00

It's so just like me.

Another almost.

One more maybe.

You turn the other way.

You say if you don't care then that's ok with me.

I won't stand in your way.

What does this face mean?

Does it mean that I can stay?

Does it mean you don't ever want to know?

(not my writing... it's by my favorite band)

2008-12-14T00:25:00.000-08:00

The last post was a bit of writing I found going through my old college stuff. My favorite part of my whole thesis. Haha. Enj0y.

More blogging to come in the future... I need the outlet.

2008-12-14T00:20:00.001-08:00

Acknowledgements

My history thesis writing process this semester has been long and painful. I have realized that one must be a sadomasochist to truly succeed as a historian. Research is an arduous task that one can never actually finish. There are always more sources to peruse, different viewpoints and perspectives to investigate. After this is done, probably to one’s dissatisfaction, the historian must tie all this research together to make a well-documented, intelligent argument. During this whole process, the historian must realize that there will be ravenous, drooling scholars eagerly waiting the completion of this work. Not to praise it. Not to enjoy it. But to do the academic equivalent of a wolf pack pouncing on a sickly musk oxen. Ouch.
In light of this, I feel that is necessary for me to thank the people that have made the completion of this thesis possible. I have to begin by thanking my Mother and Father for continually praising my writing style and supporting all of my Hamilton College activities. I understand that they probably cringe at the thought of how over committed and under slept I am at college. But, rather than criticize my tendency to stretch myself out too thin, they have stood behind me the whole way and given me the strength to complete my thesis while still fulfilling my duties and responsibilities I possess through my extracurricular activities.
I want to thank my suitemates in Babbitt 17: Benjamin Turner, Christopher Takacs, Daniel Walker, Alon Hillel-Toch and honorary suitemate, Alan Clark. Thanks to Ben in particular for keeping a sense of good-natured thesis writing competition in the suite, inspiring me to continue writing and researching even when I felt that it was impossible to go on. Thanks to the rest of my suitemates for providing me with hours of absurd conversations, slap fights, paddle fights, door pranks, procrastination devices and wonderful memories such as Delta Iota Kappa, team kills, potential career damaging photographs and Canadian turkeys.
The Hamilton College professors and administrators also deserve a shout out. Thanks to Hans Peter Broedel for showing no mercy in the classroom and providing me with “fear of failure” as the inspirational device to complete this thesis. To the rest of the History Department for showing me that although history is a demanding and difficult subject it also provides a deep sense of satisfaction and enjoyment. Thanks to the faculty and administrators of Hamilton College for providing me with issues to write about in the Insights & Ideas section of The Spectator. This allowed me to keep my writing skills fresh and well toned.
Last, but not least, thank you to the entire female population of Hamilton College. Thanks for having zero interest in me as a man and potential mate this semester. Thanks in particular to the Women’s Field Hockey team for viewing me as their harmless older brother figure. Without their disinterest, I would have been plagued with time-consuming distractions and emotional baggage. The total lack of female companionship allowed me to stay focused on the task at hand. I trust that the Hamilton girls were acting in the pure interest of my academic career.
This process has been quite a ride and I can say that I’m happy to see that it is coming to an end. As a kid, I never believed that I could accomplish such a task. Well, I finally did it. So, what’s next?

Blake M. Erb ‘05

Nonfiction: A question of love...

2008-09-13T20:10:00.000-07:00

All right, so in the boredom induced by most of the surrounding area being shutdown by Hurricane Ike, I was browsing through the internet looking at all sorts of random things. I happened upon a site advertised as "The Leading Chinese Matrimonial Service". Now I know what you are saying to yourself, "Trenches! Are you looking at mail-order brides?" Not exactly. The site was a service that provided a way for westerners and Chinese girls to get in touch and possibly create a relationship. You had to buy credits which you used every time you sent a message to or received a message from a girl.

I started discussing this site with my best friend. I asked her opinion and she listed various ways in which this type of things was at the least "skeevy". In many ways I agreed with her, but being the way I am, I had to disagree. Eventually she started using bigger words and better arguments, and since I'm in the Army and have lost much of the intelligence I used to have, I stopped the conversation.

But looking through the site, it raised many questions in my head. Not questions about the legitimacy of this kind of "international dating". Or the sketchiness of guys who'd rather pay to talk to a girl in China then step outside for free and meet girls that way. Or any other questions that could possibly result in judgmental statements made about either side.

It raised questions in my head as to how are we supposed to know where, when and how to look for love? Are we supposed to "work" at it or just let things happen? Am I where I'm at so I can meet "the one" or to meet the wrong ones to help guide me in the future. I know many people, including some close to me, would say don't worry about it and place your faith in God. I have faith in God and try to be a better Christian every day (not that I always succeed). But I also feel that we need to make tough decisions and help ourselves before God or anyone else will.

My past few adventures in the romantic world have not turned out well as you know if you've read my past blogs. In my most recent experience, the girl didn't contact me for 6 weeks and then only messaged me to tell me that I was a "fucking asshole" that should "take the dick out of my mouth before I choked on it". This was for something Iceman said (his ability to piss people off he hasn't met is amazing). So obviously, I'm lacking a little trust and faith in females. I was a nice guy during my interactions with this girl. She doesn't return any correspondence for 6 weeks. BUT... I'm the asshole. Of course.

As my friend pointed out, I can't really say I don't like American girls anymore. Because we are such a heterogeneous population, we're too different to group together in such a large category. But these sites aimed at westerners, trying to hook them up with Asian girls are suspect to. Do the women want love or do they just want to be with a typical Western, financially stable man for a mutually beneficially relationship? I argued that these sites were no different from eHarmony or match.com but I was just being my normal annoying self.

But even through all these questions and obstacles, is it possible to find true and legitimate love through questionable "mediums"? If we play it safe all the time and only do things the "standard" or "normal" way, are we perhaps selling ourselves short and not putting ourselves in a position to find true love and happiness? Or does Hollywood and romantic comedies put it in our heads that we have to go through crazy or weird situations to find "the one"?

This is all making my head spin... perhaps I shouldn't have read that Dr. Phil book today. There's so much material out there written about love, dating and relationships. It's ridiculous. Is our society so fucked up that we need volumes and volumes of bullshit written to help us have simple human interaction? Plus, there is so much conflicting advice, that it seems like no matter what you do or say, you're doing something wrong.

Most advice requires that you know what you're looking for, what you want. I can't even answer that. I have no idea what my "type" is anymore. I argued with my friend that I find the priorities and values and such of Asian girls more appealing than that of American girls. She used the statement "homogeneous culture" in response to mine. Thus, it's easier for me to group together and define the women from China and other places. Even though I think I find some of their values appealing, the reality is that I probably wouldn't be able to seriously relate with them because of a huge gap common experience, interests and other things.

But then again, maybe not. I must admit, I am not as worldly as I wish I was and I do not have a very good knowledge of other cultures. I want to learn and be exposed to other cultures... it's just an issue of lack of opportunity and time. I have no idea how I would get along with people from vastly different cultures than mine. Maybe I'm eliminating a whole section of society that could possibly house a woman that could be a mate. Or perhaps I'm effectively limiting the playing field to allow myself to concentrate and focus on a certain group and thus increase my chances of finding someone within that group.

Wow... this got deeper than I wanted.

Trenches, out.

Nonfiction: I just have to say...

2008-09-11T18:46:00.000-07:00

I think my life is hilarious. Well, it's not hilarious as I'm leading it. But looking back on it, I think it is pretty damn funny. I wish I had keep a journal or something from the age of like 13 and on. I would have some damn good material for a stand up comedy act.

In other news... Iceman does asshole things, I'm the one who gets called the asshole. Just another difference.

I ordered an Xbox recently. I haven't had a game system in a long time, so I'm excited. Pretty lame, but it's all I got going for me. Video games can serve as a replacement for personal relationships, right? Haha... we'll see.

Regardless, I'm still awesome. Just found out that some guys in our company that I thought were in their 30s, are actually my age or younger. Made me feel young and sexy. I still got it going on.... haha.

Be jealous.

Trenches, out.

Nonfiction: What the Army has done for me...

2008-09-09T18:07:00.000-07:00

1. Raised stress levels, blood pressure and anxiety.

2. An addiction to nicotine products such as cigarettes and dip.

3. An ability to be talked down to repeatedly and not punch someone in the face.

4. A decline in my IQ.

5. A slowly decreasing ability to have a conversation without using cuss words.

6. The creation of a personalty totally opposite of the rational, logical personality I used to possess... I call it my "Army brain".

7. Babysitting duties for grown ass men and women that can't do simple shit.

8. Zero rewards for hard work... just more work and bullshit.

9. Less respect for rules and regulations than I had before I joined the military.

10. Such a change in character that if I met anyone I went to school with, I would either offend or disappoint them. Fucking civies.

Trenches, out

Quote of the Day: "Boys will be boys"

2008-09-07T16:13:00.000-07:00

Iceman, "I was such a horny little kid. There was a girl on my track team that I would always jump into her arms and koala hug her. That way I could feel her tits on my chest and rub my junk against her stomach. It was awesome."

Pictured below is an example of a koala hug. What a fag.

The difference between my life and Iceman's life...

2008-09-06T13:24:00.000-07:00

1. I am nice and sweet towards females I'm interested in. I get ignored and played by said females. No sex.

Iceman is an asshole and a jerk to girls. He gets laid for two straight weeks by a chick he is a dick to.

2. I meet a girl on the internet and seemingly click with her. I meet her, get ignored, lose my Star Wars movies and all I have to speak for it is two hamsters.

Iceman meets a girl on the internet and seemingly clicks with her. He meets her, gets a relationship, and gets an apple pie. All Star Wars movies accounted for.

3. I'm a high-speed soldier that does the right thing. I'm forced to work as the Sergeant Major's driver for four months, get sent to boards and competitions I don't want to go to and become a platoon bitch as an NCO.

Iceman is a high-speed soldier that does the right thing. He has Airborne wings, gets sweet details playing around as an SF operator and will get transferred to an Airborne unit on post.

I probably could go on and on, but I don't think I need to. I sure wish I was a brown, teenage Mexiflip.

Trenches, out

Nonfiction: Quote of the Day "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

2008-09-04T20:17:00.000-07:00

Boring as class today... no quotes, nothing interesting. Just periodic thoughts of suicide.

I hate my job.

Help me.

Nonfiction: Quote of the Day "Cannibalism"

2008-08-28T21:06:00.000-07:00

The other NCOs in the platoon and myself were talking about the hurricane that is closing in on the coast and the preparations we should take... i.e. getting water, food, supplies, filling up our cars before rationing takes place, etc. Personally, I just got some water and not much else. I don't really take care of myself. Anyways, one of the NCOs new to the platoon (but not to the company) had this to say...

Sergeant Sweep, "I'm not going to buy food or anything like that in preparation. If I get hungry... I'm just gonna start eating people!"

This came out of nowhere and we all just kind of stared at him for a second before bursting into laughter. Nothing like a long, frustrating week of work to inspire total randomness. The Army is amazing in the fact that you can work an entire week, bust your ass, stress yourself out and then look back on what you did and be like, "I accomplished nothing!"

Anyways, here's hoping that the storm doesn't screw up the weekend too bad.

Trenches, out

Nonfiction: Quote of the Day "Iceman Strikes"

2008-08-26T19:55:00.000-07:00

Iceman (9:12:59 PM): I just jerked off my justice cock and splattered karma all over Leslie's face.

Trenches (9:13:27 PM): haha

Trenches (9:13:29 PM): oh geez

Trenches (9:13:31 PM): there's my quote

Iceman has a great handle on hyperbole and imagery, eh? Gotta love it. And yes I'm going to leave the reason for this quote a mystery. Maybe...

Without buddies like Iceman, Vegas and Sergeant Rojo, I'd probably go nuts. We have a four-day weekend coming and I'm really looking forward to just chilling out and recovering from all the physical and mental stress from the last few weeks. I also have a chance to catch up on some admin work and get caught up with my soldiers. Being separated from the platoon for a month has put me behind and I need to reconnect with some of the soldiers. Even if they get on my nerves sometimes.

Trenches, out

Nonfiction: Quote of the Day "Airborne Gods"

2008-08-25T16:57:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna start doing a quote of the day. No inspirational or moving quotes from famous people. But rather quotes from my buddies and people I work with that are either ridiculous, hilarious, cheer me up or totally insane. Expect many quotes from Iceman...

Iceman: "The Airborne Gods have smiled favorably upon me today. Oh and fuck you, Leslie Estilette, you whorish boodra"

--from his facebook status message

I pumped for my good buddy Iceman. If you read his blog (which is linked in this blog), you know that he is Airborne and proud of it. Well, he got orders for an intrapost move to the Airborne unit on post. He's gonna be a Geronimo. I feel really happy for him. He gets to jump now and be with a combat arms unit. That's good shit. Also, I still get to hang with Iceman since he's not leaving post. It's an awesome deal.

The second part of the quote is self-explanatory. I'd go into detail but I just don't really care anymore. This blog is for some humor, updates on the good things in my life and to display some of my writing.

Trenches, out

Nonfiction: I love Iceman...

2008-08-23T09:59:00.000-07:00

Iceman (not real username) (11:46:43 AM): yeah sluts and whores don't need AIM, they just need random boodros to knock on their door and by some slut magic their clothes are instantly off

This guy is awesome. Best friend a guy could have.

Trenches, out.

P.S. Boodros (or boodreauxs) are the stereotypical hick motherfuckers from Louisiana that you think only exist on TV and movies... but actually exist.

Nonfiction: Fun with the internet...

2008-08-21T17:04:00.000-07:00

So Iceman and I were goofing around on the internet (I'll reveal details later...maybe). Anyways, I made the mistake of looking at the profile of a girl I had seen a couple times. We met on the internet, then met in person and I thought I had found a keeper. I thought we connected real well and I felt great about it. Then she stopped communicating and it's been two weeks since I've heard anything from her... no response to texts, messages or voicemails. Yeah, I get weird and intense too fast so I probably made a lot of mistakes, but it still hurts even if I only saw her a couple times.

Anyways, because I'm a masochist I looked at the profile, got angry and wanted to do something about it. So Iceman suggested that we fuck with people on the internet... via Facebook chat. Well, it seems this is a very easy and effective way of getting rid of emotion-- by transferring it to others. It is very easy to get reactions of out complete strangers. All I had to do was call one kid a loser and another "emo" and they totally flipped out. They called me all sorts of names, questioned by sexuality, told me that I'm a "slave to the system", questioned my parents and how they treated me, all sorts of stuff. And all it took was one little comment. I safely and effectively transferred my negative feelings onto a total and complete stranger. It's amazing how easily they let me do this to them.

I wish I had the chats saved, but facebook doesn't save much of the chat so I only have a small portion of one of the chats... and it's when the conversation started to die down. I promise to do it again sometime and save the whole thing. I guarantee you will be entertained.

Word to the wise. Don't let complete strangers rile you up. Because it's probably some confused, depressed person like myself grasping for ways to deal with their own emotions. I know it's not healthy... but I'm desperate.

I'll leave you with a quote by one of my favorite comedians, Mike Birbiglia. "I used to think that I was a maladjusted.... that was until I met EVERY single girl I have EVER dated."

Trenches, out

Nonfiction: Best Week Ever....

2008-08-14T17:46:00.001-07:00

So a little recap of my week so far... it hasn't ended but I'm hoping for the best.

Monday: Got a flat tire.
Tuesday: Got pulled over by DA police... no ticket though. Being pathetic works.
Wednesday: Got sick... feels like I have a tiger-sized hair ball in my throat. Glorious.
Thursday: Watched Romeo + Juliet. Thought that they didn't have such a bad life. Ya, they died. But they found love and were honest with each other and went for it. That's fucking brave.

I also rediscovered some embarrassing photos of myself and now you can see them on my facebook account. No political future in my life, I don't care anymore.

The school I currently I am in (Basic Noncommissioned Officer Course) is really boring and not worthy of any significant stories.

That's about it. Tough for me to do this without complaining. Change is never easy, I guess.

Peace out, homies

Trenches

Fiction: Chance is a Bitch

2008-08-14T17:27:00.000-07:00

Close the doors, close the blinds
shut it all out, don't stand up
Hide in the closet, crouch in the tub
No using facing it, it could be....

What's the use of trying?
No need for effort, no need to try
What's to gain? What's to lose?
No using facing it, it could be....

Don't look back, not one bit
Why face the pain, the loss?
No need to learn, not at all
No using facing it, it could be....

Always making the same mistakes
Refusing to change, adapt
Stubborn as hell, just like Dad
No use facing it, it could be....

Lower your head, run straight through
Breaking everything in your path
Watching as you pass, they shake their heads
No use facing it, it could be...

Run away... No! Not there!
Turn back...Sorry! All closed!
Raise your head... Oops! You missed it!
Take a breath... It happens so fast, eh?

Wake up
Wipe away the tears
Shake away the fog
Never too late

Could it be?

Fiction: Execution Day

2008-08-13T16:58:00.000-07:00

It’s always difficult to get things started. It’s funny when you think about it. You work yourself up about some project or assignment or whatever for days and days before the actual event happens. You have bad dreams or you can’t sleep. You eat too much, too little, the wrong food. Basically, you start acting like that old computer your parents insisted you use. It works, but just barely… and you can never predict what it can and can’t do on a particular day. All of this… before you even start doing whatever it is you're flipping out about. Silly, huh?

What’s even more frustrating is that you will put yourself through this self-inflicted torture and then the event happens and poof. You’re done. It happens so quickly that you feel cheated and used. You put yourself through all of that emotional turmoil for nothing! You should have at least been a little miserable after you had gotten things started. But you’re not… things go just swimmingly. And if they don’t, if mistakes are made, or failures are had or things are just fucked up… you deal with them aptly. Man, it almost seems like a rip-off.

One man told a story of when he was first put in charge of his class, instead of assisting the full-time teacher. For weeks and weeks, he was sweating bullets, changing and re-changing his lesson plan. Asking his peer, friends and family for advice over and over and over again. Rejected their advice one day. Accepting the same advice the next. He played all sorts of scenarios in his mind. What to do with the problem child? Should he be stern or fun? Was there going to be a teacher’s pet? Would he be able to fill the entire class time with productive activity? And on and on and on. He barely slept the night before. Then school came around the next day. He put on his shirt and tie and pants and looked like every other history teacher you’ve ever seen. Slightly nerdy, kind and awkward. Pretty much a very likable person for an adult to approach. A walking bull’s-eye for any teenager with a sharp tongue or something to throw.

He walks into his classroom and begins the day. His lesson plans go ok… not perfect. He has problems with some of the students. Some get detention, some go to the principal’s and some are quelled by his stern glare. Others ask questions, learn the material… some suck up and sit in the front row, raising their hands for every question. He remembers what he thought of them during his school days… little fuckers. He calls on them occasionally, trying to include those that are reticent and those that he knows didn’t do they assigned work. He remembers what he thought of teachers who did that as well… being a shy student at one time and a lazy one at another… thanks for the embarrassment Mrs. Taylor. But he does it anyway, knowing that negative experiences can be just as useful in one’s growth as positive experiences.

And then the day is over… and it seems like the day has just begun. The bell rings. Children race through the hallways, planning their after-school escapades, going to basketball practice, making out with their respective boyfriends and girlfriends, clamoring on to the bus with the odd and somewhat smelly driver who cracks jokes that no one understands. High school stuff. Normal stuff. Ripped off, once again. What a strange and totally amusing species.

But it’s funny really, how life looks when you take a look over your shoulder. Foreign, idiotic, hilarious and sad. You never look back and think, “I would have done the exact same thing if I could do it all over again”. It doesn’t seem like you change. You just refrain from doing one stupid thing to doing another stupid thing. You get rid of one bad apple, only to pick another.

But here I am, saying “you” like I’m sort of being from a higher plane, looking down upon the pitiful humans and their titillating antics. Amazing what the ego can do… that and the total safeness of writing on a machine with no opinions and thoughts and the utter belief that no one will ever read this…. Ever.

I am just as pitiful and ridiculous as the next person in line. Life doesn’t throw me curveballs as people like to say. I love baseball, mind you… but sports analogies are not the way to describe how your life has been. But if we must use sports analogies and I’m guessing we’re locked into that idiom for at least this paragraph, it’d be more accurate to say that I stand on the pitcher’s mound, throw a curveball, attempt to beat me own pitch to the plate, pick up the bat and swing at said curveball… only to trip on the resin bag, skin my knee and watch as that sweet, hanging curveball falls to the ground. If only I hadn’t tripped I could have hit a home run… or at least a double.

Not to say that I haven’t had my fair share of blessings and things for which to be thankful. But even those people who, when you look at them, seem to have perfect lives. Even they have their own personal demons to battle. Life is so quirky. The very solutions we think we need for our current problems often just create new problems. It’s a constant struggle against a vicious riptide. No use fighting it, just let it take you for a ride.

I’ve always felt like my life was destined to play out like a movie. Sadly, it doesn’t happen like that. I was the shy and nervous kid in school, but no one came along and helped me pull social 180 and land the prom queen. I had a series of traumatic romantic relationships that often had comedic, in hindsight, endings. However, “The One” didn’t come along to help me realize my faults, change for the better, and find eternal happiness. Nuh uh. Just doesn’t happen.

My point is you can’t wait around for a derivative plot point to fall into your lap. No matter if you’re Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Hindu, Wiccan, an agnostic theist, atheist or whatever; the world just doesn’t work like that. Well, I guess we all have one obnoxious friend or loved one who seems to live a life that falls along the lines of a Disney fairytale movie. Fuck 'em. They don’t count. So, like the first-time teacher, go ahead and flip out, freak, go nuts, panic, hyperventilate, and run around naked in your room screaming “Attica!” We all do something like this. But eventually, you’ll face whatever it is you must… and realize it wasn’t that bad.

Perhaps I should take my own advice. Hmm… I never was a very good batter though. A different sports metaphor, please?

Nonfiction: Don't Ask Why...

2008-08-13T16:18:00.000-07:00

Same blogger, same address, new blog.

This blog is not my therapist. Only short stories, fond remembrances, and significant life updates allowed.

Peace out, gangstas!