why...

Why does it always have to be the guy that does all the right things, makes the perfect impression, says everything that is expected??? Why can't we be allowed to have flaws, make mistakes and be fucking imperfect when it comes to relationships. It's pretty fucking easy for girls to sit back and criticize guys and how we go about pursuing relationships. You just sit there and let everything happen to you. So don't complain to me about always meeting jerks and never being with a nice guy. If you're not fricking proactive, don't say shit to me.

I'm forced to feel like every failed attempt with a girl is my fault. You twist words and feelings to make me feel bad. I'm not saying I don't mess up. I mess up all the time. But don't make me feel shitty when I'm just trying to do the right thing. When I'm trying to be a gentleman, a nice guy, when i'm trying to be myself.

I'll take my credit when and where it is due. But I want the other half to start stepping up and taking some fucking responsibility. Last I checked, this was America.

Out.

Hot Water Sky

Lying on his back, watching the starry sky. Letting the darkness envelop him, he closes his eyes and attempts to dream. The feeling of falling begins to overwhelm, washing over him in waves. All at once he feels serenity and anxiety. He resists the urge to open his eyes and return to reality. His attempts at escaping the harshness of reality constantly fail, but he never stops trying. He doesn't know what else to do. He begins to feel a flush of warmth start at his toes and work it's way up his body. Open your eyes, his mind screams! He knows he can't hold the illusion, he never has before. It never lasts! His psyche attacks every nerve of his body, attempting to force him back into the cold, miserable night. He struggles against himself, a hopeless battle that can only end in defeat. The warmth continues to spread, a confusion of agony and joy intermingling in his mind. His body begins to tremor and twitch. The intensity of his feelings grow, roaring in his brain. Hold on, he pleads. Just this once. And then... nothing.

He opens his eyes with a gasp. His uniform is drenched in a cold sweat. A familiar feeling. He slowly rises with a groan. He comes to his feet and gives himself a once over, making sure everything shows the facade of normalcy. Approving of his appearance and dusting himself off, he strides away from that familiar spot. He doesn't even give a second glance at that now unspectacular sky. He sighs. He knows it will happen again. With a barely perceptible shake of his head, he places the memory with all the rest. He never forgets but fails to learn.

In the end, it's his own damn fault.

Soldiers are not smart...

So I just finished my first week of Hazmat Transportation school. Possibly the easiest thing I have done in a very long time. It requires reading, basic math skills and the ability to turn pages of a book. I aced both of my tests easily. We were given two hours for each test. I usually finished in around 20 or 30 minutes. What a joke.

What's hilarious is that many of the soldiers in this class are struggling with the material. All you have to do is simple referencing. You look something up, read what it says and do what the reading material tells you. Too easy. All I can do is shake my head and laugh at some of these people. Many of them are NCOs. How are they able to train and lead soldiers when they are close to being brain dead???

It's times like these when I know there is no way I'm staying in the military. I'm often accused of being a cocky... but honestly, I'm way to fucking smart for this place. My vocabulary has suffered because I'm forced to dumb down my language to communicate with 99 percent of my co-workers. It's frustrating to say the least.

All I'm doing is counting down the days. My only goal in the Army right now is to not die. I remember when I used to have passion and ambition. I can't wait until I get that back.

In other news, I seem to have blown another opportunity at a personal relationship. Maybe I'm being too stubborn, but I refuse to compete with another guy for a woman's affection. It's all just too much drama and bullshit for me to be able to handle. For now I'll be content playing with my housemate's dog, playing religion wars with Op2, expanding the influence of TSF and generally being awesome.

I'm also looking forward to going to my best friend Kelly's wedding. I'm glad to see her happy and that she found someone that she wants to spend the rest of her life with. I often pray for my friends and family and makes me ecstatic to see them succeed. I admit that the wedding will be awkward for me because there will be many people there that I used to be friends with. I have grown and changed a ton since I have joined the Army. Many of them probably won't like me. I really don't have much tolerance for nostalgia and all that bullshit... and I hate talking about my job. Butter will probably understand though... as long as he is prepared for Navy jokes. But it's all in good fun.

That's it for now. Looking forward to a fun and relaxing weekend at the TSF house.

TSF Op1-Trenches, out.

Nonfiction: Perhaps I can explain...

Frankly I don't know what I'm doing. I've been trying really hard not to complain and look at the bright side of things. But it's getting tougher and tougher. I work hard at my job but am completely unsatisfied and honestly, it makes me miserable. Many people in the company talk shit about me because I did not deploy with them even though they don't know me and are not aware of the circumstances. I have zero loyalty to the company and wish everyday that I could join Op2 at his new unit. I guess the silver lining is that I have some really good co-workers that look out for me and will always be there for me... but they are few and far between.

But that's not really the core of my frustration and anger. It's my personal life. I have no freaking clue how to fix my situation. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm desperately looking for a relationship. A REAL relationship. Sometimes I feel so lonely and without hope that I feel like giving up and just accepting lifelong bachelorhood.

Some of you know about the Alexandria boodra I tried dating. I thought I did the right things, maybe besides being a little too serious and intimidating... but what can I say? I can't/won't do casual. I was rewarded with two smelly hamsters and the theft of my cherished Star Wars movies. I fall into a dark, emotional pit... she sees a string of douchebag mooks and has the audacity to call me an asshole and make gay jokes about me and Op2.

After a hiatus from attempting to meet people, I decided to get back on the horse. I used the internet since it's near impossible to meet people around Fort Polk. I join eHarmony. Yes, I was so desperate I paid to meet people online. I discover that most people on eHarmony are fat and/or ugly chicks. I'm not extremely shallow, but physical attraction is vital to a successful relationship. However, I feel my luck changes when I get matched with a pretty college student who goes to school in Shreveport. We go through the process and she gives me her number. I'm feeling pretty good. She says that she feels a connection to me. Yay! Wait. Silence for two weeks. Nothing. I didn't do or say anything bad at all. I brush it off.

I begin talking to another girl who is from Georgia. She's a cute, ranga college student. I initially began talking to her in the hopes of lining up a booty call for when I go to Fort Benning for Level 3 Combatives training. I know, not the most noble of reasons. Anyways, we actually hit off. I get her number and we have some incredible, super long telephone conversations. I feel comfortable with her so I tell her something personal about myself that I usually don't tell anyone. Lo and behold she is silent. I wait on her to respond. When she does all she says, "It was nice getting to know you... too bad you suck." Thanks for being so mature.

Then I begin talking to a girl from Baton Rouge. She's 2 years older than me, mature, gorgeous and very interesting. Unlike any other girl I have ever talked to. It may just be my desperation or whatever, but I get a feeling that she could be special. Then I come back to Fort Polk from leave and fall into a severe depression because my job is trying to kill me. I don't talk to her or anyone else for a week, two weeks. I didn't want to because I was in such a horrible mood and disposition that I really didn't want to expose anyone to that. Anyways, she re-establishes contact and I embrace it. I realize what I was missing out on and try to get back on track. I feel like I really click with her. Only to realize that in my absence she began talking to another guy. I can't really blame her and she is not the one at fault in this situation.

The last "event" hasn't exactly been resolved yet but I think whatever I do will be too little, too late. She has already seen the other guy... twice. And from what I can gather, it went well. It's nearing six years now that I have had anything resembling a relationship. There's no way I can compete with another guy. I'm clumsy, say the wrong things, don't know how to handle myself and frankly forgot how to play the game. I'm bluntly honest and don't really care what other people think of me. I'm proud of this fact but it probably doesn't bode well for me in a battle for a woman's heart. If I was willing to bring my TSF assholeness into my personal life, it would probably be good if I just wanted non-commital, unemotional physical encounters. But I refuse to do that.

So I feel like I'm constantly losing the battle before I have even had a chance to take a swing. I just don't know what to do anymore. I pray for guidance and direction but I'm failing to interpret where God is taking me. I'm forever faithful to my Lord and Jesus Christ but I'm very frustrated because I can't find my place in their plan.

I'm not looking for charity or pity. I'm writing this out with the hope that I can gain some insight into how I'm failing. I'm feeling like my peers are all leaving me behind as now my very best friend in the whole world is getting married in March. I think part of me always hoped/thought/believed that neither of us would find anyone and that we would marry each other when we were in our late 30s or something. I'm thrilled for her and if I don't get my leave approved to go to her wedding, I'll probably go AWOL. But I would be lying if I didn't have some regrets in regards to her.

I suppose that is it. In spite of everything I am truly thankful to have such friends in my life like Iceman, Rojo, Kelly and Mark. I don't know what I would do without them.

TSF Op1- Trenches, out.

my favorite. song... story of my life

It's so just like me.

Another almost.

One more maybe.

You turn the other way.

You say if you don't care then that's ok with me.

I won't stand in your way.

What does this face mean?

Does it mean that I can stay?

Does it mean you don't ever want to know?

(not my writing... it's by my favorite band)